How Can I Control My Emotions?

In reality, you will never be able to truly control your emotions- there isn’t a mental switch to flip and just decide to be happy. Much like physical pain, emotions (especially difficult ones) serve an important purpose, they let you know when something is wrong. Just like pain, the goal isn’t to never feel it, it is to learn to effectively manage it.

I have gotten this question so often throughout my career that I knew it had to be my first blog post. So many clients enter into counseling with the idea that they are going to control their emotions or moods and they are often unhappy to learn that this is not possible. Now, I know what they mean when they say they want to “control” their moods. They usually mean they don’t want to get “so angry”or “so depressed” or they want to be able to stop and prevent a panic attack; and yes, those things are doable.

The problem is the langauge.

When we say “I want to control my emotions” the word “control” sets us up for failure. The reality is, you are going to feel emotions, extreme emotions sometimes. And there is nothing wrong with that! Its actually a good thing to be able to feel the full spectrum of human emotion- ecstasy to despair, serenity to panic, rage to tranquility. Especially given the context, for most of us, it would seem completely unreasonable to feel peace in the midst of chaos. This makes you human.

Our emotions are responses to either our internal or external environment. Things happening in our body and mind or in the world around us effect how we feel- just like the pain response. Like emotions, pain cannot be controlled, but it can be managed. When you haven’t drank enough water, or have been grinding your teeth, or didn’t sleep well, you might get a headache. You cannot simply notice the pain then then choose for the pain to go away, but you can use tools to manage it. You might take a pain medication, a cool compress, stretching, or rest.

Like pain, emotions don’t need to be controlled, you just need to learn the right tools to manage them.

This is the goal of therapy!

Sometimes though, it takes a bit of sitting with the pain (whether is be emotional or physical) to accept that it is a reality and not going away on its own. This acceptance is the first step in learning management, and is the opposite of control.

Sounds counter intuitive right?

Often, control is a way of pushing things away we dont want to deal with. Thats why so many people say they want to “control” their emotions. The feeling has become so big, overwhelming, or disruptive that they simply want to shut it down so that they can go on with their life. And I get it, feeling those things is hard. But the reality is, ignoring it will only work for so long; and like a wound, it will fester and only get worse if left unattended.

So instead of turning away from emotions, the way to “control” them, is by feeling it, acknowledging it, accepting it, and responding to it with appropriate interventions.

Not sure what those interventions are? Don’t panic, I can help.